Adventures in MatrixLand

[Note: This is an archived piece dating from May 15, 2003]

So, as hopefully most of you know, the Matrix: Reloaded came out last night in preview shows (and of course if opened today all over). Well, as anyone who remembers my spiel about the "Crazy Summer of 2002," (which of course morphed into the "Wacky Summer of 2002" for anyone who made fun of me for my excitement...may you go to hell) I've been excited about the sequel to the Matrix since I first heard about it way back in the days of my youth.
And now it's here. So, in the words of Sean Connery, "HA, my day has come, Trebeck." ...Or so I thought. I forgot that my friends here in Portland for the summer are all lame-asses (particularly the males) who go to bed at 7PM (and use excuses like, AND I QUOTE, "I'm a working man in my prime." I won't use their name here, so as to protect them from the deriding they surely deserve, except to say WHATEVER, QUANTE).
So, picture me last night crying my little head into my huge pillow as I'm trapped car-less, movieless, and Carrie Anne Moss-less, wondering what in the world I did to deserve such torment as not getting the instant gratification that I so richly deserve. Yes, it's a tough life I lead...
BUT, low and behold, my new best friend Jenny came to my rescue (for the record, I never included her in the 'lame-ass-go-to-bed-at-7PM' category). Bored, Jenny agreed to go to the Matrix (which surprisingly was not sold out...ALTHOUGH, it was the 11:30PM show, which may have had something to do with it. Plus not a lot of people knew that it opened last night for preview...the fools).
SO anyway, there I was, giddily (YES, it's a word. Get off me.) handing over my money and receiving my oh-so-precious ticket to ride...er, watch. My entire life has led up to this moment: The chance to once again see Ms. Moss a.k.a. Trinity in tight, shiny, black leather, accentuating every part of her luscious, supple, delectable...personality. Yes, sir. I felt ALIVE. Incidentally, Jenny was equally excited to see Trinity's personality. Don't let her deny it.
So, after handing St. Peter my ticket, walking past the concession stand (I have no time for such foolishness. Who needs food when we have the Matrix?), we walked into Theater #8 and found a very good seat.
At this point, I think it pertinent to describe the crowd. Aside from the over-abundance of trailer trash (if I may be elitist, which I may 'cause this is my damn email), the loud, obnoxious guys drinking beers on the right side of the theater, the guys smoking cheech behind us, the comic-book-reading nerds loudly snorting with glee after each Matrix joke they told, and surefire Medical Students all around who competed to see who could exclaim the loudest witticism while using a ratio of 3 'f-bombs' to every 'uh', I'd say the crowd was pretty typical. For a zoo, anyway.
It was sitting amid such an intimidating roomful of intellect that the tone of the evening was set. The imposing figure of a Theater Manager scurried down the aisle to inform us that an error with the projecter was delaying the start of our movie by 15 minutes or so. Well, no big deal I thought. The noble body of Roman senators surrounding me reacted, of course, with composure normally reserved for angry gerbils on speed.
After many a thoughtful remark from the peanut gallery, the movie finally began...
And what a movie it was...
At this point, I'd like to describe the climax of the movie, to save you the trouble of having to see it yourself. So here goes: NEO, with a flurry of kicks, punches, and clear mastery of Kung Fu stops in his tracks. With a piercing gaze he looks out from the screen and suddenly...his face melts downward, along with the surrounding background. In FACT, the whole screen melts downward. Sitting there, I'm thinking that despite the millions of dollars spent on the movie, this is pretty cheesy special effects. Sub-par even. The screen goes black. And stays black. Interesting ending...a bit artsy, but...
YESSIR, you guessed it. Millions of dollars spent can't prevent the projector from MELTING THE FILM. And not only melting it, but melting it at the EXACT moment of the climax of the movie.
SO I have no idea how the movie ends. Needless to say, the neandertals in the crowd were 'less than pleased.' Despite many calls for riot (particularly coming from the Med Students), order was maintained, although I felt sorry for the movie workers who had to deal with everyone.
They ended up giving us readmission passes, mentioning of course, that the theater is totally sold out for tomorrow (or today, technically). SO, to make a long story longer, I have to wait a couple days to fulfill my Matrix fix.
I think we can all agree that my life is tougher than most.
So that's my tragic story. I hope your Matrix-enjoying experience was better than mine. And if you haven't seen it...well, let's just say I can't believe we're friends. I mean, haven't you SEEN Carrie Anne Moss's personality?
Anyway, I hope everyone is well. Feel free to drop me a line. Just don't call after 7PM, cause we don't want to wake my roommates up...